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Just... it's hard to be up when Stephan's down. Apparently he had an emotional crisis this afternoon. I didn't sit with the boys when I got to Ben's recital (our aria stagings concerty thing went over the first half), so I didn't notice then, but he's angsting, rather self-centeredly, certainly, about how they no longer have anything to say to one another and the house has disintegrated and the people who go to recitals are all strange to him now and he'll be lonely next year and I'll be the only one who really knows him. He explained all this to me and Bryan tonight after his show (went well again, against some odds), and, while I sympathize, even empathize perhaps, I wanted to smack them upside the head as they commiserated over how this semester has sucked because they're so lonely.
Now, I have no qualms with solitude. I, as my by-now-tired manifesto states, am only ever lonely specifically. And the specificity varies. But plaintive self-pity over a state brought on by avoiding human contact when you know your personality requires it... I can't get behind that. It's middle-school egotism (of which I do not claim to be innocent, but it's easier to observe in others than oneself, and I'm pretty sure I'm not so obvious about it, at least now I'm out of high school) to blame other people for not finding you interesting and then feel unappreciated and complain about it. I can and do complain (hopefully mostly to myself) about not being interesting enough to people I care about, but I'm pretty sure it's my issues, not theirs, that are causing the problems.
Anyway, it's not so bad. Both of them came into the living room as I was writing this, one at a time, and had a peaceful talk-through with me. Stephan sublimated his frustration into ambition for JCS (for which, by the way, Bryce has agreed to music-direct, huzzah!) and spent awhile describing how he's going to be paranoid about not making the same mistakes that were made in his current show. Things got better. Bryan, being second, even mentioned his enjoyment of the sleepy companionable time when you're awake with someone after everyone else has gone to bed.
And now I think I'll withdraw. It's been a taxing day. It'll get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.
Now, I have no qualms with solitude. I, as my by-now-tired manifesto states, am only ever lonely specifically. And the specificity varies. But plaintive self-pity over a state brought on by avoiding human contact when you know your personality requires it... I can't get behind that. It's middle-school egotism (of which I do not claim to be innocent, but it's easier to observe in others than oneself, and I'm pretty sure I'm not so obvious about it, at least now I'm out of high school) to blame other people for not finding you interesting and then feel unappreciated and complain about it. I can and do complain (hopefully mostly to myself) about not being interesting enough to people I care about, but I'm pretty sure it's my issues, not theirs, that are causing the problems.
Anyway, it's not so bad. Both of them came into the living room as I was writing this, one at a time, and had a peaceful talk-through with me. Stephan sublimated his frustration into ambition for JCS (for which, by the way, Bryce has agreed to music-direct, huzzah!) and spent awhile describing how he's going to be paranoid about not making the same mistakes that were made in his current show. Things got better. Bryan, being second, even mentioned his enjoyment of the sleepy companionable time when you're awake with someone after everyone else has gone to bed.
And now I think I'll withdraw. It's been a taxing day. It'll get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.
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