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Argh! I can't get over being in this show! Everyone in the cast is so utterly amazing! I wish, to an extreme that no one could possibly imagine, that I could have gone to Chapultepec tonight, but Dan and I had both left the Debussy analysis for Theory till the last minute. So we did that. He didn't know the piece (Faun). I couldn't believe it. I'll have to train him up in some instrumental music that isn't boring; it's not all Haydn.

That crazy dream has still been having repercussions. I'm not generally a huggy person, but I haven't been wanting to be let go of. The first try on the blocking for the shadowplay tonight was good for that. It was easier to get into my wretched frame of mind for the character when we decided not to do it that way but brood in separate corners instead of being mutually comforting. Hopefully I'll get over this soon. I hate to be dependent in any way.

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Mama has decided to dress me for tonight, since I have no idea what I ought to wear. This is the kind of thing I should get used to if I'm going to have a performing career.

Is it weird that I'm looking forward to the recital being over so that I can maybe catch the last hour of Bat Boy rehearsal? Dan and I were talking and running song lines from last night's rehearsal in Theory this morning before anyone was in the room, and he jokingly mentioned how maybe he should ditch this opera business because musicals are so much fun.

Diego sent me this song. I am growing increasingly attached to it, understanding more as I listen to it over and over. It's relatively complex (I should know, I analyzed a bit of it so I could tell Diego what this one spine-shivering chord was), and it's doing crazy things to my brain like the Bat Boy music did. It's from The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, which is by the same composer who wrote A New Brain, and I now really want to see both.

Mmm. I love music. It's like safe drugs that you can turn off. I'm getting sappy in my old age, but I don't cry at just anything like Dan says I do. Although if he and Diego keep turning up the pathos like they did last night, I dunno if I'm going to be able to sing the beginning of the Finale. I had to practice starting it without crying when I got it and the script, anyway, because it's freakin' sad.

So. I'd like to be done with my dumb Purcell, and have a recording of Elliot's song, so I can go to my Bat Boy rehearsal in peace. Or, not peace, but... you know.

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( Recital blah )

Ah, but then Dan and I went to rehearsal. What a relief. I suppose it's concentrating on something in which I can perceive differences more readily; acting, at least to my enduringly amateur senses, is easier than singing classically. I suppose it helped that the scenes we ran were just me and Dan, Burfy directing. I don't know if what I'm doing comes off well, but it's deceptively easy to act as though I care deeply about Dan, since I do. The whole romantic aspect is completely unfamiliar, but I'm doing my best, since that seems to be about all that's driving my character at this point in the show. It's been so helpful to have a director who will either make me ask myself what I'm doing or tell me what I can try. I know it's not saying much, since the last show I was in I wasn't a lead and I was hardly directed at all, but Burfy's been the best directorial experience of my life so far. There's an undeniable competence there.

( Awereness blah )

Well, that's enough philosophizing. I was going to go to sleep so I'd have an excuse to miss watching Waiting for Guffman with the Milam Frat. So now I will get my calmed-down self into bed.