Lunch

Since I have no homework to do frantically, and since actually eating is out of the question, I think I'll just talk at y'all. The period I have on gray days right before lunch is usually (well, recently it has become) interesting, because we have a theater teacher to come talk to us about expressing and do exercises. I haven't gone and done my monologue for him yet, but I've done the exercises and he likes me. I love acting. Even if it makes me cry. I guess it's a good way to crumple my emotional defenses for awhile and let some out, and I don't get to do that often. I feel or don't feel, like an automaton a lot of the time lately. Trying to block out a bunch of stuff, I guess, but I can't think of anything that I genuinely believe has hurt me enough to bother blocking. I need to feel something, and it was for the first time in a long time last class that I flushed and my face turned and I was embarrassed, and it's weird because when I try to make myself cry, I can't, but soemtimes the weirdest, dumbest things affect me and it's like a trigger. He was talking to me and asking me if I had ever been in a circumstance like the one in the song. I told him that if somebody was being abusive to me, then I wouldn't bother asking, I just wouldn't stay with him. Now, we all know that's not true, even if I've never actually been with anyone. You just can't stop liking somebody. So I went at it from that angle, and told him it was more of an ignoring issue, but I still wouldn't bring it up, because he doesn't owe me anything, and I have no right to expect anything from him. He probed a little more and said that friendship is a two-way thing and if I give he really does owe me, but then stopped, because I think he could tell I was about to cry and he said he wasn't a therapist, but told me to think about it, and went on from a different point of view. But I did think about it, and I don't agree. He doesn't owe me anything. I wish he did.